Reflections on Job Quitting - Part 2
On why I quit, what I learned, and what I'm aiming for next
As I get deeper and deeper into Job Search Mode I notice myself occasionally having recurrent thoughts about my time off from work that I’ve probably texted myself 10 times each because I don’t want to forget. So here they are:
Why did I quit?
I get asked this question a lot and I usually mention just not being engaged at work but over time I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t just work but a build up of factors. I cognitively know that if its important, my brain will remember but perhaps my body doesn’t believe that yet so I feel compelled to write them down so I don’t make the same mistake again:
Overstimulation : I pushed myself to socialized way too much to make up for lost college years to COVID and attend too many events in SF and while some were enriching and prompted me to think about my life in new ways my body and mind were continuously in a state of “there’s too much to process” and “I can’t relax at all”. I remember my morning journaling taking upwards of an hour cause there was just so much in my brain. The city environment with all the people, cars, and the need to be constantly vigilant didn’t help either. And living in a coliving house where I could never be truly alone and was always aware of who was in the house and their general emotional state of being left me unable to find the space to be with myself. So no more cities and group housing for me :)
Poor sleep: I struggled sleeping quite a bit in the beginning due to car sounds from outside and ended up trying a variety of noise cancelling solutions. Eventually my sleep become ok (I’d rate it 5.5/10) and, for me at least, the burden mediocre sleep really really builds up to the point where energy is low and eating gets thrown off, focus becomes hards, thoughts take on a very negative tint, and life is just plain shitty.
I lost touch with myself: Schooling is unnecessarily hard these days and starting in high school and throughout college and afterwards I lost touch with the main activity that made me feel me: art. That, and spending so many years making decisions based on what I thought was good for me rather than what I truly wanted and was interested in confused me to a point where it was quite hard for me to remember and sense what I truly wanted and was interested in. Unsurprisingly, living in a way that was so misaligned built up over time to a point where things felt deeply wrong.
Changes at work, namely people being out of the picture in all ways, was a large factor that lead me to quit. I gained so much sense of fulfillment from helping our small team of new back end engineers support each other and mentoring my intern that when both of those were taken away and my work became super technical and in the weeds I found this utterly unfulfilling. That plus a reorg and change in managers left me feeling more unenthusiastic about the job. I did have the chance to switch into a more front end focused team , and a part of me wonders what would have happened if I stayed but looking back I don’t think I was mentally in a place where a change of roles would have helped much.
For the longest time, ever since I was in college I had wondered whether I should go into healthcare. I loved biology and coaching people and I followed the currents of life throughout college instead of really actively making decision and landed in a software role. Being an artist my entire life and knowing that I loved creating art for people I also felt the need to explore product design. Overall, I needed to explore the alternative routes or come to some internal resolution. And looking back I definitely have. Cue the next section :)
What do I want from “work”?
I use work in quotations marks cause I’ve now come to view work more loosely than the main 9-5 money making activity we do. Perhaps “work” in this sense is just a term for the things we do that are not solely for leisure but could possibly include leisurely activities. I don’t know yet I haven’t thought too much on my definition, I’m just using what feels right.
I believe I can be quite fulfilled by work if I’m building and designing something with others for others AND if I’m directly impacting someones life. Could be building a community, or software, or who knows what. And for direct impact, it could be mentoring an intern, coaching someone or something else.
Part of my sabbatical included talking to a bunch of random people about their paths and how they got there. While I think part of the drive for that was searching for answers in other people rather than trying to answer them on my own, I think seeing other people’s path really did help open up my view of what “work” in my life could look like. A large part of my gripe with my job was I really could not see myself doing just software for many more years and I realize now that very much doesn’t have to be the case. I talked to someone who does boht product design and fitness coaching - I could easily see myself doing that. Or maybe software engineering and life coaching. Some combo of building/designing and coaching. I met a girl who worked for 7 years as an engineer before transitioning taking a full time role at an organization she volunteered at and making less. I could see that too.
I think I expected too much fulfillment from work at the beginning and when it met those needs it was great! I couldn’t shut up about work, I was doing what I loved - helping others and bringing others together, and I was building customer facing features. I do need at least one of those to be there but I’ve realized I’ll also need to cultivate the rest in other facets of my life.
I know that once I start working I’ll need something on the side where I can independently of others move the needle. Whether thats starting a coaching practice, a cake business, and Etsy store I’m not sure!
Thanks for reading! I feel lighter now having it all written out. :)